A few months ago, I wrote a post all about my emetophobia, and to this day I’d say it’s been my most popular and well received post. I’d also say it’s been my most real post because it’s something that’s very personal to me and I’m so happy that so many of you thanked me for sharing it with the world. Today, I’ve got another very personal post about something that has been going on in my life for a little while now, but I haven’t really addressed it until now.
I’m suffering from depression.
It’s still very scary to say out loud because it makes it seem very real and not just all in my head. Over the last few months I just haven’t felt myself. I’ve lost all interest in my instagram, my blog, going out and doing things etc, I’ve just kind of shut myself away from the world. I’ve basically just been getting up, going to work, coming home and going back to bed. I haven’t been taking time for myself like I used to or looking after myself like I should be.
Looking back, I’m fairly certain I’ve suffered from depression in the past. I remember going through a pretty bad breakup years ago and I basically just slept for two whole weeks because I was too sad to be awake. The depression I went through back then had a trigger which was obvious. This time however, there hasn’t been a trigger. Looking at my life right now, I’m happy with it; I’ve got an amazing boyfriend, a beautiful flat and a job that, I mean i’m not the happiest in but it pays the bills and I make it the most of it. To quote those people: “you have no reason to be depressed!”.
Coming to the realisation that something isn’t right has been very scary. Realising that I can’t remember the last time I properly looked after myself, or the last time I went to get my hair done, or the last time I was genuinely happy with my appearance. I don’t remember the last time I had a decent night’s sleep and didn’t wake up at least three times, or the last time I was actually motivated to do something other than lie in bed and mindlessly watch YouTube video after YouTube video. I feel like I’ve just been floating along through life and not really living if that makes sense. I don’t pay attention to my days anymore and honestly couldn’t tell you what I wore to work the previous day. I’m just existing, I’m not living.
It all bubbled over the other morning when I drove to work and physically couldn’t get out of the car because I knew I didn’t have the energy or the emotional strength to carry on the way I was. I wanted to go back to the old me and actually enjoy life again. I decided there and then that enough was enough, so I signed myself off of work for a week and made a doctors appointment for the following day to get help. I have been struggling and I can’t keep trying to keep my head above water by myself anymore.
Going to the doctor and explaining everything to her was the first and the scariest step I’ve taken. I was so nervous to go in and explain everything to almost a complete stranger, but she couldn’t have been nicer about it and offered some medication for me to try, as well as signing me off work for another two weeks. I’m fully aware that the first anti-depressants you try might not work for you, so I’m prepared to have to try more than one kind. I’ve been taking Fluoxetine for two days so far, and obviously I haven’t noticed any changes just yet. I haven’t had any side effects yet either though so I’m taking that as a plus.
I’m hoping that by opening up about my experience, I’ll be able to help anyone else that happens to be going through the same thing. The stigma around mental health isn’t what it used to be, and I think the best thing we can do is talk about things like depression as openly as possible. My blog is somewhere for me to be open and honest with you guys, whatever the topic may be. I want to keep producing content (preferably happier things than this) but obviously it’s difficult at the moment when all I want to do is lie in bed and stare into space.
Please let me know if you’ve had a similar experience with depression or struggles with your mental health, and any tips you’ve found to be helpful. I also want to say thank you to everyone who commented on this Instagram post with their support. I’ve been so overwhelmed with the kind messages I’ve received and I honestly can’t say thank you enough. It makes it all a little bit easier when I know I have the support of so many lovely people in real life and online.